A Letter For Smallie

Dear Smallie Mollie,

More than 13 months has past
I still refused to accept the fact
The fact that you had left me
Only after 4 days after I first held you

My heart was beating hard
As I cut open the sac
I prayed to the LORD
Prayed that you will be safe

I held my breath
Not knowing your fate
Until I heard your cries
Cries of survival

You are such a beautiful one
With your cream colored fur
Snuggling right in my palm
As I dried and cleaned you

Couldn't see your eyes yet
I can't wait for 2 weeks to pass
For you to open your eyes
To see this home and human of yours

I saw something protruding from your umbilical cord
You are already detached from your mother's cord
When I found you still wrapped in the sac
Oh my,tell me it's not happening to you

A girl,just what I want
I continued to clean you up
Getting you warm and to feed you
Your first drop of milk upon your arrival

Please LORD, please bless this puppy
You gave me the chance to save her the first time
Please do not let anything happen to her
I really wish that I could protect her from any suffering

My worst nightmare has been confirmed
The doctor diagnosed it as Gastroschisis
You could be fine after a while
Or you might not survive it at all

No word can describe the feeling
That I'm going through now
To know that I might see you grow
Or that these will be the last days





I've grown attached to you
Inhaling your baby scent
Tracing the contours of your paws
Trying to carve memories of you in my heart

The moment I dreaded has arrived
Will this be the last day you'll be with me?
You had to be operated immediately
But chance of survival wasn't too good

As the doctor come to take you from me
I whispered to you that everything will be fine
That was the biggest and only lie I told you
For I don't know what the destiny will bring

Needle was pierced in your veins
That was the last time that I'll ever see you
The moment that I'll remember forever
Seeing you still moving your little paws

I just want to stay around the operating theater
To wait for my baby to come out
Pacing around trying to comfort myself
Praying for a miracle

The light was off and the doctor came out alas
Is she the good news bearer?
Her words threw me off the ground
Something that I refused to accept

They had to put you to sleep
It was already a miracle
That you came this far
Can't let you suffer anymore

I wanted to scream my lungs out
Why is this happening to me?
YOU let me save her the first time
And now YOU want me to sign her life away?!

I broke down right there and then
Sobbing and crying uncontrollably

I held on to your lifeless body for the very last time

To say goodbye..........................

Goodbye to the baby that never lived
To open her eyes to see her human
The puppy that never get to bark...


My dear Smallie Mollie,

I can imagine you running around in this green meadow now
Waiting for me to be united with you again
We'll cross the bridge together into Heaven
Never again that we'll be parted ,forever

See you at the Rainbow Bridge...



xoxo


Your human