Thursday, October 25, 2012

Pushing It

I can foresee....

The day that I will workout so hard that I will not only breakout in sweats but tears as well. I will push myself hard just to make it. Gritting with crazy determination.

Whoever that say I can't make it, just wait and see. I will show them I will and I can make it.

Friday, October 19, 2012


I think real friends will say words of encouragement not discouragement. Real friends never try to discourage you from doing something good to yourself. Real friends never encourage you to do things that will only harm you in long term.

Some toxic people out there.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


I can feel it coming. The coming of my extrication. The release from this mind boggling entanglement. I think it will come sooner than I thought.

I Must I Must

The workout has been intensified these few weeks. I must endure this. I must and I will make it. I shall not give up. Gambateh!!!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Diverting My Mind

Have been working out daily for a few weeks. Trying to transform my self image and at the same time keeping my mind occupied. Too much craziness in it. Hoping to channel my excess energy and whatever grudges I'm having to some where else that might be benefit from it.


Feeling nauseous after working out. Must be overloaded on water earlier. Low electrolyte counts....

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Saccharin Sweet Dreams

Red light, yellow light, green light go. Crazy little women in a one man show. Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love. Sweet dream, saccharin, loosen up~ Def Leppard

Sunday Evening

Family dinner at Kayu Ara. Full to the max!

Saturday, October 6, 2012


Guts? I think I have. It's the very thing that bought this catastrophe upon myself. Have I not dared to even give it a thought at the beginning, the bubbles that cocooned my emotions wouldn't have burst just like that. I will still be living an emotional steadied life and I will not have to experience that awful pain over and over again.

Honestly, it isn't something that conquered a big part of my existence. It was just for a while compared with what I've been through all my life. Just a tiny spot but it really hit where it hurts the most, my heart.

Stones and sticks can't break me, making me arise with more strength than ever from all other aspect of my life. My stubbornness enabled me to be who am I today and to refused to give up no matter what. Then this insane matter came along and put me into the most complicated situation I ever had to face. It had conquered my heart making me losing my own sense of directions. As if it's eating away the very essence of myself, I feel myself wasting away day after day.

I fought hard in this battle. I've tried to pull myself back from the abyss once too many times. I'm struggling here in the dark. I see the light on the other end, I really do. But it seems that no matter how I tried to march forward to it, it is still so far away. I will still continue to move towards the light even if it takes me forever to do so.

I just can't let myself wasted away because of it.

OOTD 071012

Back to basic with black PVC leggings with shirt in white and some dash of gold ornaments

The Dream Maker

The dream maker is being so persistent and insistent. Bringing the same dream, same character with a slight variation each time for every other days for almost 2 months now.

I'm learning to control my consciousness during my waking hours. Suppressing the thought of it. Sometimes if I'm busy enough, it is totally banished to some hidden dungeon in the some dark corner of my mind. But this crazy recurring dreams keep reminding me of it again and again, creeping into my mind at night creating all these uneasiness in me. It's my conscious mind dueling with my subconscious mind.

I don't have a clue of what that tragic episode going to brings to me except sadness and tears. Is it so significant that my dream maker has to make me go through this crazy cycle of dreams again and again? What is it trying to tell me? What's the hidden meaning behind it? What is hidden deep inside my subconsciousness that this matter has escalated to this point? Why does it affecting me so much that I can't escape it even in my dreams? How much longer do I need to endure this ordeal?

What kind of blessing in disguise in store for me this time? It is really worth for all the emotional havoc and breakdown that I'm going through right now?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Sizing You Up

Somehow I feel awkward at some social events. People look at you in a strange way. They whispered to the person next to them, then the other person will turn their head and look at your direction. And then they started to giggle.

These people usually formed a group among themselves and they only live within that circle. They don't know the basic courtesy of treating others with manners. It's like no other being is good enough for the group.

Most of the time I would just occupied my time by playing with my phone sitting at the corner alone. Who cares? Even worse if one of those people come over and talk to you suddenly.

They will start to ask all sorts of questions to gauge your current condition. An interrogation to be exact. They will ask about your occupation because they want to know if you are earning good income. If they found out that you probably not earning much, you'll see a smirk in their face. They will ask about your current marital status. If you are married they want to know about your spouse's occupation. If you are still single, they'll tell everyone else that nobody wants you that's why you are a spinster. Where do you stay? They want to know if you are staying in some upscale or some rundown place. They'll be very happy if you tell them it's somewhere around the latter's vicinity.

You can observe that the entire duration of the conversation, that their eyes and brain are busy sizing you up from top to toe. These people can really multitask, interrogating and doing calculation at the same time. At the end of the day their main agenda is purely curiosity and to find out if you are living a better live than theirs, nothing much.

A Brand New Day

The sun has taken its place again
Smelling the wonderful morning dews
The birds are chirping happily
Grasses seems greener than usual
Walking with a little spring in my steps

Good Night

“Fortune, good night; smile once more, turn thy wheel”
William Shakespeare

May all the best things happens for me in days to come

True feelings


Oops! I did it again. Now who says I won't make it?


Love this!

Thursday, October 4, 2012


These people can shut their big mouth. I have no desire to listen to their so called opinion or concern or stupid questions.

Shut up....shut up....shut up

I Do What I Want

I wear what I want
I do what I want
I don't give a shit
And I'm so gonna to get this

No one can have a say in this

Some Crazy People

Somewhere, somehow in some corner of this world there's someone who really like to make you really feel bad about yourself. They tried to point out whatever that wasn't even bothering you as if you have committed a super faux pas yourself in front of the whole world just to bring you down and to elevate themselves further. Anyone can see that these people can't further elevate except to step on someone, elevated from there and stay there.

The worst thing is they are still pretending like you are their best friend. They cling to you like a cling wrap . They interrogate everything you do. They want to befriend your friends. They want to go where you go. If they can't succeed any of the above, they'll say things to dampen your day. Doing something to interrupt your plans. When in fact, they love to be with you so much because they think you are the only one that they can step on, bully and belittled.

Mad people
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