281113 Nightmare

Suddenly the realization dawned upon me that I was sobbing in my sleep. It was only a stupid nightmare. Didn't even make any sense to me. 

Though it didn't make any sense but it triggered something in me....

Having this overwhelming feeling now. Afraid of losing something that I never even owned in the first place. I want to just reach out for it and keep it somewhere safe. 

But how could I lose it if I never own it? 

Taking a Big Leap of Faith

For this few months I learnt to appreciate even the tiniest things that's happening around me. It may not be significant to anyone else out there but it sure does make some difference in my life, or shall I say how I look at life/ things? Maybe this is what you called gratitude? 

Each day I woke up with a smile on my face trying to enjoy the morning. Trying to sort my mind and feelings to the right path before rushing off for the rest of the day. 

Sometimes I'll come across some hurdles in life that really upset me a lot. I'm very emotional I know that. Things can affect me badly and I felt like the world is going against me. I would then crawl to my shell and hide. I'll feel better afterwards but it's not really what I want. 

Taking the first step was hard, super hard for me. I know very well that I'm a changed person after some major incidents. I had refused to open myself up to others, keeping my feelings to myself. I fought hard against those who came near to me. I filtered a lot of people out my life due to some menial things. I wouldn't even want to look deep into their personality. I really missed out a lot of good things because of this. Defending myself from heartache, at the same time depriving myself from humanity. Sometimes I felt like a robot with no emotions at all. Eat, sleep and work.... Repeat and repeat. 

I must thank my bestie for this. We've been friends like forever now and she knows me inside out. Tried to use all kind of methods to make me realized my own problems. She tried lecturing me and threatened me as well. Very courageous of her knowing that my bad temper and she still went ahead to knock some sense into me. A very good friend indeed. 

So I just tried to opened myself a little by little. Taking a big leap of faith, it could be the most scariest thing that I've attempted, opening myself up. I wanted to turn around and give up at the beginning. Thank goodness my bestie was there to support me. It was an eye opener for me. I would give everything a try. Things that I never try before, places that I never go before and people that I never talk to before. It just feels great and I'm thankful for everything that I've been able to experienced. New friends, new places and new feelings too. 

I'm thankful for all this.

Why Six Pack?

Someone asked me, why do I want a six pack abs? Why? That's a very good question actually.

Well, I want to prove that whatever I want I will achieved it. Anyone can be so blessed and be born with a nice supermodel like body. But not everyone can have the dedication to build a fitter body for themselves. Many throw their towels along this path. Some may opt for shortcuts like liposuction or something like that. It's entirely up to each individual on how they want to achieve their ideal body. I do not rule out the possibilities of getting it done someday, not now. Now I want to fully utilise what I've learnt to achieve my dream body. I want to go where I've never ventured before. I want to see how far I could go. 

I know I'm being impatient sometimes but it's the process that matters the most. As I'm getting stronger each day and knowing that I have the power to change my own body, I feel good about it. There's many benefits that comes along with it too. Stimulation of growth hormone ( looking younger) , burning off more calories even when I'm not working out and most important at all , being able to keep my condition under control. And it's something that I can be proud of.

Gone are the days where I skipped meals or resorted to slimming pills and such to lose weight. It just doesn't work for me anymore and in fact it's one of the cause of my illness. Results were quick because of the water and muscle mass loss and it's even quicker in destroying the body function. Why would someone who studied nutrition and fitness walked that path? Impatient and stupidity. I learnt my lesson the hard way. 

Taking Small Steps at One Time

I was told by the doctor that I'm allowed to jog, at a slow and steady pace. "How about weights training?" I asked. He said NO. OMG, the most dreaded thing has happened. I can only go for mild cardio and I really loathed it, a lot. And this was around a year ago. 

 

Workload started to pick up last year and I was going back and forth from KUL-SIN-KUL and everywhere else. I had no time to slow down and listen to my body. There were lotsa symptoms coming up and I brushed them away like nothing happened. Didn't even realise that I lose a lot of weight, I weighted only 39kg when I was admitted to the hospital. Was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and that explains the heart attack like symptom and those fainting spells whenever I had coffee. At first I thought I was going to die of heart attack or something and I bid my Baby Elise farewell. I just hugged her and I cried ( silly me, watched too much drama I think). 

I was on high dosage of hormone surpressant after that and the numbers on my scale were going up real fast. It's a good indicator actually but I'm getting fatter. One day I just snapped coz of one so called friend started to criticized me. I don't know what's wrong with her. She's very clingy with me and yet she likes to give awful comment about my clothes, my hair and she said I'm FAT!! I just can't take it anymore!

My nutrition and fitness textbooks were collecting dust somewhere by then. Years has gone by since I gave up on them. I was busy at work and I flunk the final exams and I didn't make it to the graduation. Sigh.... But my illness marks the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Slowly I started to pick up those weights ( I know, the doctor said I wasn't supposed to do that) and I started to listen to my body. I spoke to a lot of experts online and read a lot regarding my illness. There are times that I almost fainted when I tried to push it harder because I'm getting impatient and progress was slow. I threw up and I cried because of the hard work involved. In the end I managed to pinpoint my limits and I'll try to work within them. 

My biggest weakness is food. I love all the nice but unhealthy food. I tried to eat as healthy that I can most of the time and at the same time I allowed myself some cheat days so that I won't lose control being deprived of my favourite food for too long. I'm that person that you'll see hanging around the supermarket aisle scrutinizing the food labels. I think I might put off certain guys who wanted to date me which this kind of behavior. Come on, who wants to date a girl who eats boring food like tofu, milk, greens, bananas and nuts most of the time? And I can't expect others to give up their lifestyle because of me right?

I have been prescribing meal plans and workout sheets for a few friends and clients starting from the beginning of this year. They are doing great now and even progressing even better than myself. Sometime I feel like kicking myself for not being able to do as good as them but then I reminded myself that I should be grateful for still being able to do it even with my current condition. I'm grateful for the amount of supports and encouragements that I've been getting from my own personal support group. 

Yeah.... I've been lying to those whose been concerned about my illness. It's not really as mild as what I told you all. I just want everybody to stop worrying so much. And that was a was. Now I've been making a lot of improvements. At least I don't faint in the middle of the food court anymore. At least I can start drinking coffee again. I know.....I know you'll think that I'm just being stubborn and rebellious but I'm not. Sometimes we  know ourselves and our limit better than anyone else. Don't worry I'm good now. 

Here's my little progress picture as the proof that I'm still alive and kicking.

*almost KO'ed by this innocent looking gym ball today 

Walking On Eggs

So many things back logged and there's plenty other new ones coming up. It's been months and I have yet to complete the America blog posts. So many things back logged. The growing numbers of books I greedily grabbed at bookstores faster than I could finish them, broken promises to people that I said I'll make time to catch up with them, my neglected fur babies..... Arrggghh!!! No wonder I feel stressed out. 

19042013: Turning Blue At Buffalo

At this point, my fever faithfully returned to me. I was feeling super chilly and I was shivering. The fever made me fell asleep on my way to LAX. Thank god for the reliable and safe journey from Super Shuttle. Convenient and inexpensive. 

The queue was long at LAX and it stretches to the outer compound of the airport. Damn it, it was 3 in the morning and I'm feeling feverish. Luckily it was a quick one or I might just fainted right there and then. My eyes were hot and heavy, my body was shivering, my legs were heavy and I was dragging along a heavy backpack. Not the the backpack, I had to drag myself too around LAX. I was just too weak to move.

I kept drinking some Vitamin C water along the way hoping that it can helps in my recovery. Sleeping the whole way through the flight. I lost track of how many hours it took to reach Arizona for transit and to actually reach Buffalo. Everything was blurred the entire journey.

But I remembered the adorable Southwest Airline stewardess with her funny landing speech. " We are glad that you enjoyed the flight with Southwest. Most of you were sleeping and some of you were drooling" that followed by some laughter from the passengers. Was she talking about me?"Just to let you know...we have reached Buffalo Airport now" then when it's time to alight from the plane " Now get off the plane " followed by further laughter from the passengers. 

And I managed to snap this as we landed

 Here I am finally at Buffalo. The bad news was my ears were stuffed. I only have one good ear left and I couldn't hear much now and my throat was killing me. I can't hear and I can't talk....

My host Michael picked me up at the airport and we headed to the famous Anchor's Wings after dropping my backpack to meet up with his wife Jill and Jennifer with her family. I got to know Michael through Couchsurfing and we chatted a bit online before I head to America. His wife Jill joined us soon after that and she saw my comment of the creme brulee on my Instagram. They are so warm and friendly.

 As for Jennifer, it's great to be finally meeting someone that you got to know through a virtual farm and still be able to maintain contact for so long. I was looking forward to meet her long before the trip was confirmed. I remembered when I was having some issues sometimes ago, she comforted me online. She seems to project certain kind of warmness and positivity even online. To meet her in person confirms it. Her daughter Ally, I saw her adorable pictures from years ago and she has bloomed into a beautiful young lady now .It was a pity that I wasn't able to talk to them more. My fever makes communication so hard for me. Whenever I tried to open my mouth, my ear and throat pained. Never felt so helpless before. I feel so bad...

I love Buffalo Wings but it's really killing me by eating this with my current condition.

    Michael, me and the ugly buffalo wings lady. I couldn't find a single picture of me with Jennifer and her family. I don't know why. Did I or I didn't had any pictures taken with them? I can't remember much. Everything was so blurred to me.

The cozy and nice bedroom at Michael's place. His house was like those that I used to draw when I was a kid. House with chimney and a garden. I like this place very much. As you see that the guest room is this pretty, what's more for the other part of house. I want my future home to be something like his with a fireplace( a fake one of course considering the crazy weather back home). I didn't take much pictures of his place but I still remembered the design deeply in my memories.

18042013: City Of Angels

You never been to Los Angeles if you never visited these famous landmarks. Here I am hiding my sick face behind my Kenneth Cole shades. It's getting worse but anyway here's the snapshots that I still managed to get:

   Griffith Observator had appeared in some of the mainstream movies like Transformer 2007, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and so on. Familiar eh? And it's situated right across the famous Hollywood Sign, a landmark and the American cultural icon. The initial purpose of this sign was far from what we know today. It was actually an advert for a housing developer back in 1923. It was the rise of the American movie industry that made it famous.

Do you know that it cost $30 k per year for the maintenance of this star at the Walk of Fame? The star itself is made of terrazzo  and brass.

   I found the hand prints of the vampires!! Twilight!

Mann's Chinese Theater, home to many world class movie premiers. 

    Rodeo Drive, another famous filming location and home to the region's favorite luxury boutique. Things are expensive here. All I can ever afford is to stand here for a picture.

My room at Sheraton Garden Grove. No, I won't be sleeping here tonight. I have a flight to catch at 5 am to continue my solo journey to the Northeast. Just to roll around on the bed...

17042013: A Boring Day

Fooling around as I feel better this morning. I thought my body can bounce back easily from illness. I was so so wrong. 

Today is our shopping day. Actually I'm the only one feeling unexcited about shopping here. Something's totally not right about me. My fever escalated in the afternoon and I had to pile on my clothing even though I'm at indoors. 

And I lose 3 dollars at the jackpot machine!

16042013: The Real McCoy

Considered one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World, world apart from those that I made up about Creme Brûlée. Inhabited by the Native Americans for thousand of years and the first European known to have seen it was Garcia Lopez de Cárdenas from Spain. It's also the first canyon that this June from Malaysia will be able to visit today. I'm talking about the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Western Grand Canyon to be exact. Run by the Hualapai tribe ( meaning People of The Tall Pine).

Can't wait to get there. It looks pretty hot at the desert but looks can be deceiving. It's pretty chilly out there, I'm  in my shorts today due to some wrong information given by some professional tour guide, yes I'm being sarcastic here. It's my blog, I can say anything I want...

And here I found my Dreamcatcher. Funny though, I see people hanging them in their cars, they sleep in their cars or what? Supposed to hang them at the bedroom's window or near the bed filtering away the bad dreams leaving us with the good ones. It's hanging by my bedside now.

   When I was a kid, I always heard adults telling their children that if they are being naughty, the police will catch them and throw them into the prison and feed them curry rice. Maybe they really serve curry rice to the inmates in Malaysia or children hate curry? And in Hong Kong movies they serve inmates oranges with each meal. This seems like the ultimate inmate meal here.

   The Hulapai tribe performing during our meals

   I could get a better snapshot if I move forward just a little more but I can't as I'm afraid of height. This is the best that I can get from here.

   The aerial view from the helicopter. What can I say? Oh my god! Wow! This is great. A truly intimate encounter with this inspiring landscape.

   A cruise along the Colorado River getting even more intimately close to the immensely powerful Canyon itself. I feel like I want to cry now. What an incredible experience.

My day's itinerary ended at Wolfgang Puck Bar and Grill@ Venetian for dinner. Consider a pleasant one because I don't have to go for Chinese food in America like the first day I arrived. 

And then I just fell sick. Feverish with sore throat. Either I got it from the others who were already sick few days ago or from the other worldly encounter last night. I have no idea.

I popped this and I went to sleep early alone in the room, my roommate went for another show tonight. The same haunted room! As days to come, I'll be even sleeping in places that I never imagined I could. If I want to sleep, haunted or not haunted, I can sleep anywhere anytime. I might even sleep in the cemetery if I had to. I don't care, I just want to hit the sack.

Poor me, sleeping early in Vegas! And this is only the beginning. My worse form has yet to come

15042013: What Happens in Vegas, Stays In Vegas

We are heading to Las Vegas! Yay! I'm just feeling overwhelmed for being able to experience different cultures around the world, doesn't matter if it's Las Vegas or some slum area in India. I can go anywhere and still be happy. Fine dining or road side stalls, 5 stars or just dormitory style hostel, being chauffeured around or just having to walk around...it's no big deal for me. Life's too short and the world's too big for me to settle down just like that.

This is the time where I'll be able to really let my hair down and to reflect on things. Things that used to be so nerve wrecking, heart breaking, so out of proportion, overwhelming and so sickening to me, are now miles away from me. Almost like I'm stepping out of myself and to see things from another perspective. Things seems much clearer here and it's not the end of the world, like what I thought previously.

And here I have finally arrived at Las Vegas situated in the Mojave desert, the city of sin. Yes, I've committed a major sin within an hour of my arrival. Gluttony... I lost count of how many of these crazy Creme Brûlée that I ate. One of the seven wonders of my dessert world. Kryptonite is Superman's weakness and Creme Brûlée is June's weakness. Diet? What diet?

Le Rêve means "The Dream" in French. We are going on a journey of romance, action and fantasy tonight in Wynn Las Vegas as what is mentioned in the introduction of the most talk about show here( an understatement here). Wait til you seen the show with your own eyes.

We hired a limousine ( more like a mini bus to me) to take us to Wynn right after dinner. A relief to me, I ate too much and I don't think I can walk too much now. Feel like sleeping too... Yawn....until

I get into the limo. I felt like I was being transported back to a decade ago, my partying phase. Club music blaring from every direction taking my sleepiness away.

The verdict of the show? Wow! Magnificent .... Love it. A few times more of the worth of your money.

Do you think I'll call it a night after this? No right? Anyone in their right mind will not do so when they are here in Las Vegas. What did I do here? I wondered around The Strip in this cool night. Having supper at McDonald's before heading back to Monte Carlo which is situated nicely along The Strip. Good for a restless person like me. 

As I was getting ready to sleep, I felt something on my bed. Like someone invisible sitting on the end of the bed near my legs. Hmm.... Must be my tired legs from all those walking just now. I  try to stay very still for a few minutes and struggling to keep myself from falling asleep. Indeed there's something right on my bed. I peered into the darkness, can't see anything but I still feel it. I did knock the door before I come in and I did leave my shoes scattered near the entrance( Chinese superstitious). I can feel that it isn't aggressive and I don't really feel afraid that moment and it's still moving around  gently. Quietly I told 'it' that I'll be staying here for 2 nights only and please let me sleep and Zzzzzz.....

It's morning when I woke up. The night went by peacefully. Not the first time I encountered such thing. First in Salzburg and now in Las Vegas. But at least I'm still able to sleep like a baby soon after that.

P/S: Friends has been commenting about the delay in updating my blog recently and also lack of pictures of myself for this current trip. Thank you so much for noticing. First, I'm having a massive workload right after the trip as my company is going through rebranding phase now. Being me, I always feel that I have to be personally involved in every aspect of stuffs which is totally not the right thing to do. I'm learning how to delegate tasks around and to have trust in others or I'll be just forever trying to juggle tasks in my hands and getting frustrated and getting nowhere. Wearing too many hats at once is very very exhausting. I now wish that there's additional hours in a day for my loved one and for my blog. 

Secondly, someone fucked up with my hair and I don't feel like posting pictures of myself and my stupid hair. I'll blog about that fucked up hair experience soon.

That's the end for this long ass blog entry for now.

070713

My body is trying to tell me something. I've been feeling bloaty and feverish whenever I tried to resume my normal food consumption, meaning the food that I used to eat before I started to become health conscious and before I started to scrutinize everything I'm eating. 

First it affected my workout performance and I had to give myself a few days break.  Such a tormenting period for me and it is only day 4 today. Then I had to run for the washroom immediately after eating to throw up. I just feel shitty now. 

Better stick to my health food. I feel much better having them. Had some nuts, dates, seaweed and soymilk for dinner. A little different from what others having but I feel more comfortable not having to rush for the toilet bowl afterward. 

I love Linkin Park, so what?

From their single " In the end" til now, I love their music. They are single amazing. But all those around me seems to have very good taste in music. They insulted me for liking Linkin Park. Said their music is lousy and noisy at the same time. Meaning I have bad taste? F*ck them...

Everyone has their own preference for different thing in life. I listen to whatever music that I like and I wear what I like. What gives these people the right to judge me for my preference? Some people are just plain irritating. Stupid people. Why am I always being surrounding by these assholes? It was said birds of same feather flocks together . I agreed to this statement at certain point but somehow this can't be apply to the situation here. It's a totally different thing. I am being condemned for things I like. WTF...

Anyone going to join me for their concert this time? I never have the chance to go for one yet....

HSBC Feeding Me Bullshit

I have been a client of HSBC for quite some time and a joint account with my domestic servant since 2011 was one of them. Everything WENT smoothly and the service WAS great. Please observe that I emphasized on the past tense with capital wordings.


And now the bullshit part begins:

I went to HSBC Bangsar branch with my new domestic servant this morning. I had postponed all my appointments at salon to a later time today as I thought it would just take a while as this bank never gives me any trouble BEFORE. I waited for almost half an hour for my turn. The officer named Nurul asked for the reason for opening the account. That was strange, never had I have to inform any bank about this. NEVER. I told her it was for payroll purpose. She took our identity card and passport and after a few minutes she came back and told me that we can't open a joint account. WTF.....

The reason is that this is the standard procedure of the bank and it was implemented since long time ago. Way back before 2011? She told me yes. I tell you, by this time I was already furiously boiling in my head. My previous joint account was opened in 2011 and she still insisted that the stupid procedure was started way before that and she had double checked with her superior Miss Uma. Then why the hell they allowed me to do that back then? Whose fault was that? Mine? If it was supposed to be a standard one, everything should be the same. If they

told me something reasonable I'll be gladly accepted it. This is not. Do I look like a donkey or something?

NONSENSE. In the end I was told that I couldn't do it because I'm supposed to have a relationship with the other person named in the account. Relationship? Employer and employee relationship is also a relationship right? What's the difference of my relationship with my previous servant and this current one? Not that I gave birth to her that we had a closer relationship or something. How about I marry my maid then? Damn, talking to this person really wasted my time and energy. She was trying to feed me all kinds of crazy shits to deter me from opening an account there. She might as well tell me to close all the accounts that I have with them as I don't have relationship with their boss.

Or are they having social discrimination? Maids are not allowed? Then the bank should raise the amount required to open an account. RM200 is too little. Any Tom, Dick or Harry on the street also can afford it. Make it RM200k instead. Ban low income folks and ban me too after this post is published. Get the security guard scan and kick out those people. Kick me out as well, if they dare to do it.

My time totally wasted and I had to cancel my appointments at work as I have to go to another bank nearby, Maybank( they are fast and efficient). The HSBC's time is precious, mine? Is rubbish right?

What kind of service is this? What kind of human that gives this kind of excuses? What kind of big corporate that treat their clients like this? It's HSBC. Kudos to you, for treating your client like an idiot. Keep up with the ridiculous nonsense.

Laughing Is Good

It's been awhile since I last went for Comedy Kao Kao. I've missed it a lot. Missed spending the evening doing nothing but laughing. Laughing is good. It makes your problems stay at bay, but only for temporary. I finally managed to make it last evening, YAY!!

Dr Jason Leong never fails to makes me laugh especially with his shortest one word joke of the evening. Malaysian jokes that hit the base at home. Captain Khalid was in the house too. I thought he was creepy when I first see him but he is damn funny. 

Well, the evening was well spent...laughing.

11062013

It was Rip:60 then Jillian Michaels 30 days Shred and it's time to kill and rebuilt those core muscles. Lower calories intake and melt more of those stubborn fats away. I've been a very good girl these few weeks. Lesser cheat days and eating mostly health food which I used to hate (lesser means lesser doesn't means it doesn't exist and it's essential to keep my sanity intact). I called them non human food. A feat for me. They don't really taste that bad, just have to play around with the ingredients, throw in some creativity and voila! Delicious and nutritional meal at the same time.

     Garbanzo beans in the form of 

                     Hummus

        Low fat and calories, high fibre         

                    Ochazuke

    Made some high fibre low sugar PB    

                        cookies

     Combination of corn flakes with 

     muesli and gluten free skimmed milk

        First attempt for quinoa muffins

     Low GI fusili and tuna with not so  

      sinful dressing(cayenne for aiding 

      metabolic function,EVOO&balsmic 

      vinegar)

I worked on JM's 30 Days Shred for more than 30 days and I'm now on the second day of Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack with additional squats, front rows, dips and shoulder press. Boy, I can really feel it's effect now. My core muscles are feeling the pain now. Must really work it up for the handstand. 3 more days to go for this week! No pain no gain!