281113 Nightmare

Suddenly the realization dawned upon me that I was sobbing in my sleep. It was only a stupid nightmare. Didn't even make any sense to me. 

Though it didn't make any sense but it triggered something in me....

Having this overwhelming feeling now. Afraid of losing something that I never even owned in the first place. I want to just reach out for it and keep it somewhere safe. 

But how could I lose it if I never own it? 

Taking a Big Leap of Faith

For this few months I learnt to appreciate even the tiniest things that's happening around me. It may not be significant to anyone else out there but it sure does make some difference in my life, or shall I say how I look at life/ things? Maybe this is what you called gratitude? 

Each day I woke up with a smile on my face trying to enjoy the morning. Trying to sort my mind and feelings to the right path before rushing off for the rest of the day. 

Sometimes I'll come across some hurdles in life that really upset me a lot. I'm very emotional I know that. Things can affect me badly and I felt like the world is going against me. I would then crawl to my shell and hide. I'll feel better afterwards but it's not really what I want. 

Taking the first step was hard, super hard for me. I know very well that I'm a changed person after some major incidents. I had refused to open myself up to others, keeping my feelings to myself. I fought hard against those who came near to me. I filtered a lot of people out my life due to some menial things. I wouldn't even want to look deep into their personality. I really missed out a lot of good things because of this. Defending myself from heartache, at the same time depriving myself from humanity. Sometimes I felt like a robot with no emotions at all. Eat, sleep and work.... Repeat and repeat. 

I must thank my bestie for this. We've been friends like forever now and she knows me inside out. Tried to use all kind of methods to make me realized my own problems. She tried lecturing me and threatened me as well. Very courageous of her knowing that my bad temper and she still went ahead to knock some sense into me. A very good friend indeed. 

So I just tried to opened myself a little by little. Taking a big leap of faith, it could be the most scariest thing that I've attempted, opening myself up. I wanted to turn around and give up at the beginning. Thank goodness my bestie was there to support me. It was an eye opener for me. I would give everything a try. Things that I never try before, places that I never go before and people that I never talk to before. It just feels great and I'm thankful for everything that I've been able to experienced. New friends, new places and new feelings too. 

I'm thankful for all this.

Walking On Eggs

So many things back logged and there's plenty other new ones coming up. It's been months and I have yet to complete the America blog posts. So many things back logged. The growing numbers of books I greedily grabbed at bookstores faster than I could finish them, broken promises to people that I said I'll make time to catch up with them, my neglected fur babies..... Arrggghh!!! No wonder I feel stressed out. 

16042013: The Real McCoy

Considered one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World, world apart from those that I made up about Creme Brûlée. Inhabited by the Native Americans for thousand of years and the first European known to have seen it was Garcia Lopez de Cárdenas from Spain. It's also the first canyon that this June from Malaysia will be able to visit today. I'm talking about the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Western Grand Canyon to be exact. Run by the Hualapai tribe ( meaning People of The Tall Pine).

Can't wait to get there. It looks pretty hot at the desert but looks can be deceiving. It's pretty chilly out there, I'm  in my shorts today due to some wrong information given by some professional tour guide, yes I'm being sarcastic here. It's my blog, I can say anything I want...

And here I found my Dreamcatcher. Funny though, I see people hanging them in their cars, they sleep in their cars or what? Supposed to hang them at the bedroom's window or near the bed filtering away the bad dreams leaving us with the good ones. It's hanging by my bedside now.

   When I was a kid, I always heard adults telling their children that if they are being naughty, the police will catch them and throw them into the prison and feed them curry rice. Maybe they really serve curry rice to the inmates in Malaysia or children hate curry? And in Hong Kong movies they serve inmates oranges with each meal. This seems like the ultimate inmate meal here.

   The Hulapai tribe performing during our meals

   I could get a better snapshot if I move forward just a little more but I can't as I'm afraid of height. This is the best that I can get from here.

   The aerial view from the helicopter. What can I say? Oh my god! Wow! This is great. A truly intimate encounter with this inspiring landscape.

   A cruise along the Colorado River getting even more intimately close to the immensely powerful Canyon itself. I feel like I want to cry now. What an incredible experience.

My day's itinerary ended at Wolfgang Puck Bar and Grill@ Venetian for dinner. Consider a pleasant one because I don't have to go for Chinese food in America like the first day I arrived. 

And then I just fell sick. Feverish with sore throat. Either I got it from the others who were already sick few days ago or from the other worldly encounter last night. I have no idea.

I popped this and I went to sleep early alone in the room, my roommate went for another show tonight. The same haunted room! As days to come, I'll be even sleeping in places that I never imagined I could. If I want to sleep, haunted or not haunted, I can sleep anywhere anytime. I might even sleep in the cemetery if I had to. I don't care, I just want to hit the sack.

Poor me, sleeping early in Vegas! And this is only the beginning. My worse form has yet to come

15042013: What Happens in Vegas, Stays In Vegas

We are heading to Las Vegas! Yay! I'm just feeling overwhelmed for being able to experience different cultures around the world, doesn't matter if it's Las Vegas or some slum area in India. I can go anywhere and still be happy. Fine dining or road side stalls, 5 stars or just dormitory style hostel, being chauffeured around or just having to walk around...it's no big deal for me. Life's too short and the world's too big for me to settle down just like that.

This is the time where I'll be able to really let my hair down and to reflect on things. Things that used to be so nerve wrecking, heart breaking, so out of proportion, overwhelming and so sickening to me, are now miles away from me. Almost like I'm stepping out of myself and to see things from another perspective. Things seems much clearer here and it's not the end of the world, like what I thought previously.

And here I have finally arrived at Las Vegas situated in the Mojave desert, the city of sin. Yes, I've committed a major sin within an hour of my arrival. Gluttony... I lost count of how many of these crazy Creme Brûlée that I ate. One of the seven wonders of my dessert world. Kryptonite is Superman's weakness and Creme Brûlée is June's weakness. Diet? What diet?

Le Rêve means "The Dream" in French. We are going on a journey of romance, action and fantasy tonight in Wynn Las Vegas as what is mentioned in the introduction of the most talk about show here( an understatement here). Wait til you seen the show with your own eyes.

We hired a limousine ( more like a mini bus to me) to take us to Wynn right after dinner. A relief to me, I ate too much and I don't think I can walk too much now. Feel like sleeping too... Yawn....until

I get into the limo. I felt like I was being transported back to a decade ago, my partying phase. Club music blaring from every direction taking my sleepiness away.

The verdict of the show? Wow! Magnificent .... Love it. A few times more of the worth of your money.

Do you think I'll call it a night after this? No right? Anyone in their right mind will not do so when they are here in Las Vegas. What did I do here? I wondered around The Strip in this cool night. Having supper at McDonald's before heading back to Monte Carlo which is situated nicely along The Strip. Good for a restless person like me. 

As I was getting ready to sleep, I felt something on my bed. Like someone invisible sitting on the end of the bed near my legs. Hmm.... Must be my tired legs from all those walking just now. I  try to stay very still for a few minutes and struggling to keep myself from falling asleep. Indeed there's something right on my bed. I peered into the darkness, can't see anything but I still feel it. I did knock the door before I come in and I did leave my shoes scattered near the entrance( Chinese superstitious). I can feel that it isn't aggressive and I don't really feel afraid that moment and it's still moving around  gently. Quietly I told 'it' that I'll be staying here for 2 nights only and please let me sleep and Zzzzzz.....

It's morning when I woke up. The night went by peacefully. Not the first time I encountered such thing. First in Salzburg and now in Las Vegas. But at least I'm still able to sleep like a baby soon after that.

P/S: Friends has been commenting about the delay in updating my blog recently and also lack of pictures of myself for this current trip. Thank you so much for noticing. First, I'm having a massive workload right after the trip as my company is going through rebranding phase now. Being me, I always feel that I have to be personally involved in every aspect of stuffs which is totally not the right thing to do. I'm learning how to delegate tasks around and to have trust in others or I'll be just forever trying to juggle tasks in my hands and getting frustrated and getting nowhere. Wearing too many hats at once is very very exhausting. I now wish that there's additional hours in a day for my loved one and for my blog. 

Secondly, someone fucked up with my hair and I don't feel like posting pictures of myself and my stupid hair. I'll blog about that fucked up hair experience soon.

That's the end for this long ass blog entry for now.

I love Linkin Park, so what?

From their single " In the end" til now, I love their music. They are single amazing. But all those around me seems to have very good taste in music. They insulted me for liking Linkin Park. Said their music is lousy and noisy at the same time. Meaning I have bad taste? F*ck them...

Everyone has their own preference for different thing in life. I listen to whatever music that I like and I wear what I like. What gives these people the right to judge me for my preference? Some people are just plain irritating. Stupid people. Why am I always being surrounding by these assholes? It was said birds of same feather flocks together . I agreed to this statement at certain point but somehow this can't be apply to the situation here. It's a totally different thing. I am being condemned for things I like. WTF...

Anyone going to join me for their concert this time? I never have the chance to go for one yet....

Laughing Is Good

It's been awhile since I last went for Comedy Kao Kao. I've missed it a lot. Missed spending the evening doing nothing but laughing. Laughing is good. It makes your problems stay at bay, but only for temporary. I finally managed to make it last evening, YAY!!

Dr Jason Leong never fails to makes me laugh especially with his shortest one word joke of the evening. Malaysian jokes that hit the base at home. Captain Khalid was in the house too. I thought he was creepy when I first see him but he is damn funny. 

Well, the evening was well spent...laughing.

Shit, I feel like a damsel in distress

Day 5: Still having these recurring nightmares where I'm stuck at this busy junction and driving a manual car that just keeping dying on me. Its was 11 years ago that I got my driving license and my own car both almost at the same time. It was very courageous of me to drive around the busy town immediately after that. Things were always like that. I never have the chance to learn things slowly one at a time or practice whatsoever. I was always forced to pick things up right there and then. No time to think, no time to hesitate. No matter what's the circumstances, I just can't back out. I just don't have the choice. 

The feeling was kind of liberal back then. I was going everywhere ever since. Never have to be at the mercy of others when I  need them to give me a ride. Leaving whenever I want to, especially if I was meeting someone and that person was so not interesting, etc etc. Never have to wait for others. It was great until now. 

 My movements are restricted. Everything had to be couriered or delayed. I can't even go groceries  shopping! Thank goodness for home deliveries. I still have my health food supply. Else I don't know what kind of shit that I'll be eating for these few weeks.

But how about the rest of my life? I feel so helpless ,hopeless ,useless ,miserable .....without a car. Public transportation here sucks and I just hate the feeling of being at the mercy of someone else again. Asking for help seems like a foreign concept to me now. Perhaps, I was on my own for too long. 

A friend of mine jokingly reminded me that it's time for me to start looking for a boyfriend, maybe a temporary one for these few weeks. Friends ,boyfriends....I don't know, the idea of having to rely on someone else just doesn't feel right to me. Feels weird. I feel 'Shit, I have to rely on others now'. Maybe it were some bad experiences that I had when I had to ask for help. People showing me shit face, some family members somemore. People said I used them and cast them aside afterwards which never was my intention.  I treated him as one of my close friend and asked for his help, had to leave as soon as it was done. I thought he would understand but he didn't. People that always forced me to do things I hated insisting that I owed them a favor. I used to think that helping others is out of goodwill and not expecting return immediately. I always tried to return their kindness in someways. Proper ways that is within my  capabilities. But people never thought of it that way. They just make you feel like you are an asshole for asking for help in the first place and not returning their favor immediately just the way they wanted it.  

 So, is it even right for me to ask for help?

25052013:Scarce

Sometimes it takes another person or something else to make you comprehend the actual situation that you are being bounded by. Most of the time you are simply being overwhelmed with the things surrounding you that you are just too blind to see or in the correct state of mind to make decisions. Life is running past you so quick that you have to sprint to keep up with it, making time for yourself really scarce what's more to even hear yourself thinking.

06042013

Ate some nori seaweed and edamame and then downed with skimmed milk for dinner and trying to back up last year's holiday pictures while preparing my breakfast for tomorrow, quinoa with truffle and low fat Parmesan.

It had became a routine for me every year. Not backing up my phone until the very last minute before I go on board. Every single time without fail and rushing to finish everything else during the last few days. My fault....should have be more disciplined.

Things seems to be waiting to bounce on me during this time of the year too. Have to rush some design sketch my company's interior design. Then my stupid car is making some screeching sound and that will rob me some precious time to bring it to the service centre. How am I going to complete my tasks if its continuing to be like that?!

Last year I was so sick with flu and back ache til I almost had to cancel the trip. Went back and forth seeing doctors and getting acupuncture. Luckily I managed to recovered for the entire trip and then it all started again after my transit to Singapore. It was a mess. Now, crazy breakouts on my face. Damn it. Pre- holiday stress I think...

Flight Confirmed

Buffalo! Here I come!! I've finally managed to book my flight from LAX to BUF today. Been trying for the entire day yesterday on AirTran site and I don't know what's wrong with it. Anyhow, I got it from Southwest this afternoon. An early flight, 6:10am to be exact. Meaning that I won't be getting any sleep before that, only after the transit in Phoenix I can snore my way through the flight.

I can't wait to meet up with Jenn as soon as I can jump out of the plane. We got to know each others in some virtual farm and from there we communicate through Facebook for years. And I can finally meet this amazing lady in person. Life is great.

Then I'm going to try out those famous buffalo wings from Anchor Wings. I read about it somewhere and Jenn had recommended the same place too. Oh... How I love buffalo wings! And also Niagara Falls, I can't miss that out.

I'm in a dilemma right now, to stay with host family or at the hotel? Will it be bothersome for them to prepare everything and I only stay for a night ? As for the hotel, I'm freaking out a bit after reading some stupid ghost stories last night. I was at the supermarket today looking for sea salt and rosemary. I read about it somewhere that it can help to repel those negative energies around me.

Being paranoid as usual...

Blue or Red

There are two pills. One is blue and the other one is red. The blue one can help you to erase a painful memory forever and the red one can help you to revive a beautiful memory for just one day.

You can only choose one. Which one will you choose?

A dilemma. A beautiful memory could make you yearn for more of it. It's an addict on withdrawal mode. One day of living in this beautiful memory will never be enough. The thought of going back to reality after it's over is simply unbearable. It could be a thousand times more painful to revive this memory than experiencing it for the first time. I rather have a painful memory erased at this point.

Blue or red?

Dream or Deception?

I don't know whether it was a dream or deception. If it was a dream I wish that I could stay asleep forever and if it was a deception I wish that it just goes on and on. That feeling is still lingering this very moment. Will I ever going to forget about it?

Was it a just dream?

Stings

'I think there will come a time when it won't sting so bad...But I'm not quite there yet.' ~ Jennie Garth

I'm still way behind her. It still stings like hell for me...

Incomprehensible

In spite of whatever I might have gained during these few tumultuous months, I have yet to comprehend it. I admit that I'm a failure when it comes to this.

I found myself trying to pull myself out of my wondering thoughts from time to time even though I've been occupied by my daily tasks. It's like being pulled deeper and deeper into the abyss each moment.

Feeling so sorry not only for myself but to those who love and concern about me. They had done all that they should have done within their capabilities. They comforted me, they analyzed the entire situation for me and they reminded me that I deserved better. Time and time that they checked with me if everything is fine with me. My answer was never yes but maybe and through that they knew that I'm still pinning for it deep down inside. Even if I laughed louder than usual or smiled often than usual, I can't hide my pain from them. I'm feeling so guilty for not able to bounce back sooner and making them worried like that. I felt that I've let them down in spite of all those supports that they gave to me and all those hope that they have in me. Sometimes I couldn't even bring myself to see them in the eyes as I am too ashamed of dissapointing them.

Pushing It

I can foresee....

The day that I will workout so hard that I will not only breakout in sweats but tears as well. I will push myself hard just to make it. Gritting with crazy determination.

Whoever that say I can't make it, just wait and see. I will show them I will and I can make it.

Guts

Guts? I think I have. It's the very thing that bought this catastrophe upon myself. Have I not dared to even give it a thought at the beginning, the bubbles that cocooned my emotions wouldn't have burst just like that. I will still be living an emotional steadied life and I will not have to experience that awful pain over and over again.

Honestly, it isn't something that conquered a big part of my existence. It was just for a while compared with what I've been through all my life. Just a tiny spot but it really hit where it hurts the most, my heart.

Stones and sticks can't break me, making me arise with more strength than ever from all other aspect of my life. My stubbornness enabled me to be who am I today and to refused to give up no matter what. Then this insane matter came along and put me into the most complicated situation I ever had to face. It had conquered my heart making me losing my own sense of directions. As if it's eating away the very essence of myself, I feel myself wasting away day after day.

I fought hard in this battle. I've tried to pull myself back from the abyss once too many times. I'm struggling here in the dark. I see the light on the other end, I really do. But it seems that no matter how I tried to march forward to it, it is still so far away. I will still continue to move towards the light even if it takes me forever to do so.

I just can't let myself wasted away because of it.

The Dream Maker

The dream maker is being so persistent and insistent. Bringing the same dream, same character with a slight variation each time for every other days for almost 2 months now.

I'm learning to control my consciousness during my waking hours. Suppressing the thought of it. Sometimes if I'm busy enough, it is totally banished to some hidden dungeon in the some dark corner of my mind. But this crazy recurring dreams keep reminding me of it again and again, creeping into my mind at night creating all these uneasiness in me. It's my conscious mind dueling with my subconscious mind.

I don't have a clue of what that tragic episode going to brings to me except sadness and tears. Is it so significant that my dream maker has to make me go through this crazy cycle of dreams again and again? What is it trying to tell me? What's the hidden meaning behind it? What is hidden deep inside my subconsciousness that this matter has escalated to this point? Why does it affecting me so much that I can't escape it even in my dreams? How much longer do I need to endure this ordeal?

What kind of blessing in disguise in store for me this time? It is really worth for all the emotional havoc and breakdown that I'm going through right now?

A Brand New Day

The sun has taken its place again
Smelling the wonderful morning dews
The birds are chirping happily
Grasses seems greener than usual
Walking with a little spring in my steps

Good Night

“Fortune, good night; smile once more, turn thy wheel”
William Shakespeare

May all the best things happens for me in days to come