Saturday, June 8, 2013

Shit, I feel like a damsel in distress

Day 5: Still having these recurring nightmares where I'm stuck at this busy junction and driving a manual car that just keeping dying on me. Its was 11 years ago that I got my driving license and my own car both almost at the same time. It was very courageous of me to drive around the busy town immediately after that. Things were always like that. I never have the chance to learn things slowly one at a time or practice whatsoever. I was always forced to pick things up right there and then. No time to think, no time to hesitate. No matter what's the circumstances, I just can't back out. I just don't have the choice. 

The feeling was kind of liberal back then. I was going everywhere ever since. Never have to be at the mercy of others when I  need them to give me a ride. Leaving whenever I want to, especially if I was meeting someone and that person was so not interesting, etc etc. Never have to wait for others. It was great until now. 

 My movements are restricted. Everything had to be couriered or delayed. I can't even go groceries  shopping! Thank goodness for home deliveries. I still have my health food supply. Else I don't know what kind of shit that I'll be eating for these few weeks.

But how about the rest of my life? I feel so helpless ,hopeless ,useless ,miserable .....without a car. Public transportation here sucks and I just hate the feeling of being at the mercy of someone else again. Asking for help seems like a foreign concept to me now. Perhaps, I was on my own for too long. 

A friend of mine jokingly reminded me that it's time for me to start looking for a boyfriend, maybe a temporary one for these few weeks. Friends ,boyfriends....I don't know, the idea of having to rely on someone else just doesn't feel right to me. Feels weird. I feel 'Shit, I have to rely on others now'. Maybe it were some bad experiences that I had when I had to ask for help. People showing me shit face, some family members somemore. People said I used them and cast them aside afterwards which never was my intention.  I treated him as one of my close friend and asked for his help, had to leave as soon as it was done. I thought he would understand but he didn't. People that always forced me to do things I hated insisting that I owed them a favor. I used to think that helping others is out of goodwill and not expecting return immediately. I always tried to return their kindness in someways. Proper ways that is within my  capabilities. But people never thought of it that way. They just make you feel like you are an asshole for asking for help in the first place and not returning their favor immediately just the way they wanted it.  

 So, is it even right for me to ask for help?

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