Bye September

My mood in September was a continuation from the chaos back in August. I've been working overtime to keep my emotions in check. Buried my head in my work during working hours and play hard after work. Trying to keep myself occupied.

The sadness do creep up on me on in a while but at least it's not as often as it initially did which is a good thing. Feel like a little girl lost sometimes but at the same time I've discovered a new side of everything else surrounding me.

Seeing the dark side of people whom I always thought were sincere to me. Those whom I never expected anything from were the biggest surprise that I had. Where have they been all my life?

A Glimmer Of Hope

I saw a glimmer of hope for myself.

Those little good morning messages on phone that I received every morning, I feel some human warmth. I'm so grateful for that.

Even though I'm still stucked in this grieving rut, I'm still as vain as ever. Been doing some simple workouts twice daily then without fail touching my belly hoping that they'll become smaller and flatter the first I wake up each morning.

Making new discoveries of my outfits daily with all those creative pairings. Posting the picture of my daily outfits trying to create some new memories.

Something I could do to make myself a little happier.

The Darkness

Another dark period here. The sun simply refused to shine on this part. No sun ray that could penetrate the darkness yet. Nothing can be done to reduce the coldness in it.

I'm still shivering here. Trying to helplessly to lit a candle but it just wouldn't light up. Sitting in the coldness where no other soul around. The chill goes straight to the spine and heart giving the numbing sensation. It could be good for the pain.

How long do I need to wait before the sun shines here again?

Shots Of Anger and Resentment

Every single arrow shot means a single shot of anger in me. How many more before I don't feel angry anymore?

Will the anger and resentment in me ever subside?

Dreams

The recurring dreams, what are they trying to tell me?

I know that I've been thinking about it all the time, consciously. But subconsciously, what does it mean?!

Catching Up

My diary is being filled up to the max. Day trips, stand up comedies, archery galleries, dinners with buddies, catching up over a drink or two etc....etc. Never knew where all these energies from. I used to be a super lazy person. I always felt that I'm already so tired after work that I just wanna stay at home. Now it's just a 360 degree turnaround for me.

It's good to catch up on what I've been missing out all these years.

My So Called Friends

By now, I can really call it 'A blessing in disguise'. Actually no one but a few. This incident had forced me to open my eyes wide. Wide enough to see who's the bad apple among them.

So called friends who judged me on my situation. What makes you think you can judge me? Are your character really blemish free? You never did anything wrong in your entire existence? Who do you think you are? GOD?

So called friends who abandoned me during the time when I need them the most. Where are you when I needed the emotional support the most? You don't give a shit even when I asked for help. You never concern about my well being.

So called friends who are only around during the good times. These people only appear during the jolly time. The rest, they avoided you like a plague. Not that I want to borrow or beg from you.

So called friends who are plain selfish. Even if I'm dying by the roadside, I don't think you'll stop your car and help me. You'll just continue driving.

So much for calling themselves my friends. Anyway, I must really thank one person but I'm not able to mention his name here. Let's just call him Mr.B here. If it's not for you, I wouldn't have seen the true colors of those so called friends. If it's not for you, I wouldn't have the comparison between good apples and bad apples.

Maybe your definition of being friends and mine being friends are 2 difference thing. At least I know that I should lend my friends a shoulder to cry on whenever they needed it. To accompany them through the bad times even though I don't know what I can do to help.

It's really an opener for me this time. Something different happened that exposed a totally different thing. Something unexpected.

Just Plain Me

Tears had dried up,
Wounds had been healed,
Emotional pain was lessened,
Physical pain was lessened too.

What is left were just memories,
What is bothering me was just me.

It's stubbornness,
It's denial,
It's silliness,
It's just plain me.